Meant to be...

Three and a half months, five countries (so excited about all my passport stamps) and dozens of hours of bus rides later, its time for the final blog. (And you thought I got sentimental in the other ones)
Since this is my last opportunity to write, I obviously wanted to reflect on what this journey has meant to me, what I’ve realized and who I’ve come to be. It goes without saying that the children I worked with by far had the greatest impact on my life, I will never forget any of them and hope that they will in some way, shape or form continue to be a part of my life. I’m also grateful for all the people that I’ve met on this adventure, other volunteers dedicating their time, other travelers, some running towards something, others running away from something, and new friends from all over the world (now with a certain fondness for Canadians I meet in the jungle  ).
At the beginning of this experience I remember being quite frustrated, wondering if I had made the right decision to embark on this trip, to give up a job I loved and to come to Central America. Now with certainty, I know I needed to do this, I understand so much more of the reason why.
First and foremost, my relationship with my sister changed dramatically throughout the course of this trip. I think we both would agree that we’ve learned a lot about the other person, and moreover we’ve learned how to work together instead of against one another. I think it took a while but we both found our voice in this relationship and I hope that Deborah realizes how much I do view her as an equal, especially now.
Secondly, my faith in God has been deepened through this experience. I found myself drawn to visiting the chapel to pray daily and feel that I made God more a part of my regular life. My weekend spiritual retreat with the kids also really left me feeling my own faith strengthened.
Next, I learned to stand up for myself in a way I’ve always wanted to, but never figured out how. Without fear I spoke up and out, at first perhaps too much, but later learned to tame this tiger inside of me and have developed what I hope is a permanent ability to voice my opinion, to go after what I want, to not worry about seeming not like “the nice girl”. I learned to fight for me and it was beautifully liberating.
Anxiety and I have always had a funny relationship, one that hindered my life in so many ways. This trip was a dive headfirst in the pool of anxiety-provoking situations for me, and I learned to swim. Now I’m not by any means saying I still don’t have a long way to go, but most importantly I learned how not to let the fear of the fear inhibit me. Tikal was so amazing because it was the chance to realize all that I had been missing by letting anxiety rule. And perhaps even more important, I learned how to settle myself when I start feeling those feelings- a skill I desperately needed and will hold onto forever.
Finally, I don’t know if I can properly articulate this but I came to realize a lot about my own worth as a person and the worth of my love to others. I have so much to give and there are so many people who are open to receiving that love or whatever it maybe. However, I think I really came to feel that I am just as worthy of that love in return (something perhaps I preached, but did not truly believe). I know how much I value others in my life, but for the first time on this trip, I let myself realize, I can be and want to be valued by someone else too. The children at the orphanage taught me this lesson in the most beautiful ways. Perhaps this all sounds egotistical, perhaps I’m failing at explaining this well, but in my heart I know the message and now know how much I want to be (and look forward to being) a mother one day.

There is a lyric from the musical Wicked that says “Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better, but I know that I’ve been changed for good”. As I leave Central America after this adventure I know I have been changed. I do not return a completely different person, I do not return completely over all my fears, I do not return transformed…that wouldn’t be realistic. I do return certain of many things that I want in my life, stronger and more able to go after them. I return with my heart filled with a love that I didn’t know I could feel and the happiness that goes with that. And finally with the knowledge that I was meant to be here at this time in my life…and wherever life should lead me next.

You Better Belize it...

(No I didn’t make that up, its actually the tourism slogan for the country). So we’ve spent the last few days here on Caye Caulker in Belize. It’s a tiny island in the Caribbean just off the mainland coast of Belize. After another long bus ride from Tikal we made it to Belize city (a really sketchy place if you ask me) and immediately got on the ferry to the island. The hour ride was fairly okay, although when we hit a rough wave the door to the boat almost flew off (taking the porter with it) but we all made it there in one piece.
Caye Caulker is probably one of the strangest places I’ve ever been. Its one strip of land with hotels and restaurants on one side of the street and the beach on the other. The crystal blue water is breathtaking. The culture here seems to be of odd ex-pats, hippies and Rastafarians. It’s relatively under developed here and most people walk around barefoot. They say when in Rome…Deborah and I have joked about how we’ve given up on looking decent anymore. Incidentally our budget hotel room doesn’t even have a mirror. We’ve met some interesting folks here over the last few days, from life-long caye dwellers to fellow travelers escaping the cold of the north. Unfortunately it’s been raining (like hurricane quality rain) the last few days so we’ve been spending a bit of time in our hotel room. I did get some snorkeling in the first two days which was awesome. Great fish but with the weather we weren’t able to go out to any of the reefs because the trips were cancelled. Instead Deb and I got incredible massages! I don’t know that I could spend more than three days here but I’m glad that we made the trip.
We’ll be leaving on (get this) a propeller plane- yes if nothing else indicates how far I’ve grown on this trip, I actually opted to get on a another plane. It’s a short flight directly to the international airport from here which saved us the trouble of having to go back to Belize City, stay overnight there and then take an expensive cab to the airport. It should be an adventure. For now we’re going to go enjoy a final pina colada and watch the rain from an oceanside deck. See you all very very soon.

Reaching the Pyramids

Before I left in September, I spoke often about my excitement of going to Tikal. While doing researching for this trip I read about these “pyramids” that existed in Guatemala and from that moment I knew it would be a symbolic way to end my journey abroad. And here I am…I reached the Pyramids.

Tikal is absolutely spectacular. You are walking in the midst of dense jungle and suddenly, these immense structures rise out of the trees to greet you. They are incredible and more so impossible to believe that many were built around 100 B.C. It gets better…you can climb them. As Deborah put it yesterday, Tikal is like a big playground for adults. We spent the afternoon (after a 10 hour night bus ride across the entire country to get here!) scaling these structures. We then watched the sunset from atop the highest pyramid. Even though we were exhausted from our traveling we met some Canandians atop the pyramid who were staying at our hotel. The whole conversation started when Deborah apologized to me for making her buy a “stupid headflashlight” because all the Canandians had one and lead us out of the jungle. Turns out they were staying at our hotel and we all had a wonderful dinner and margaritas well into the night. Cora, Trevor and Craig are all scientists from Toronto, but two are moving the US soon for post-doc research. They are hilarious and we closed down the hotel restaurant.
Anyway…on to the most important part.
I had read the you could try to get into the park before hours to see the sunrise. Yesterday, I found a guide and haggled a little with him. He agreed to meet us at 4am at the entrance, but we were not allowed to tell a soul. And this morning we trekked through the jungle to Temple V in complete darkness. It was terrifying and exciting all at one. The structure (the second tallest but steepest) has the most harrowing wooden staircase I’ve ever encountered. And we had to climb it in the dark. Upon reaching the top finally, (still in the dark) we sat on a board and waited in complete darkness for the sunrise. They say “the darkest hour is just before dawn”, this morning certainly proved that cliché to be correct. As we sat there, cold and completely alone (the guide left once we reached the top) I realized what an amazing metaphor this was for life. You sit in the darkness and think that dawn will never come, but the sun does always rise. And this morning it was breathtaking. Watching that golden ball rise over the jungle and illuminate the Mayan structures was a once in a life-time event. We were completely alone in the jungle (just us the crazy howling monkeys).
I sat there and I thought about the symbolism of this event in my life. A year ago I know I would have let anxiety and fear inhibit me from doing so many things. Even that staircase or sitting in the dark, I know the old me would have felt so terrified that I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy anything. I realized how much in my life I’ve missed out on or ruined because I didn’t control that scared little voice inside. And on this trip I’ve learned to tame it and now look at me, I’ve climbed the pyramids. This morning was magical. I’m so glad I was able to share it with my sister, the two of us all alone in Tikal Park is a memory I will always hold dear.
This has been an incredible life journey for me in so many ways, but this morning, reaching the pyramids, seeing the sunrise on a new day, it seemed that much more special, poignant and complete.

From the middle East, Thailand and Mexico…we found it all in Guatemala.

The morning after our pizza fiesta at the orphanage, we boarded another bus at 5am for another 6 hour bus ride to Guatemala. After another hour cab ride, we arrived in our own little paradise. Thanks for mom, dad and the timeshare they purchased twenty years ago, we got to stay in a resort in Antigua for the week. This place was incredible. The most fabulous hot shower, the beds that were soooo comfortable and we had a fireplace in our room. Two gorgeous pools and a fitness center that included a eucalyptus steam room (a luxury we took advantage of daily to clear our clogged pores). And they had a spa there. Deborah and I treated ourselves to a mud wrap/massage. I don’t even have words it was so fabulous. I felt truly clean for the first time since I’d left home in September. God bless Marisol my masseuse. Anyway…besides our luxury hotel Antigua Guatemala is fabulous! It’s still stuck in the colonial period with its cobblestone streets and facades bus is home to some of the best restaurants we have experienced. We happily sampled Middle-eastern, Thai, and Mexican and of course traditional Guatemalan fare.
Antigua is nestled between a series of active volcanoes that provide an amazing backdrop. We had the opportunity to climb up to “Cerro de la Cruz” which is a look-out point over the whole city.
While in Antigua I spend the afternoons taking Spanish classes at an adorable little Spanish school. My teacher Gladys was awesome and we were able to give a whole bunch of our un-needed clothes to her daughters. Most importantly she really helped me with my verbs.
Antigua was so safe and so relaxing- the perfect way to end our time here in Central America…and now the best part…the markets! There are these huge and incredible vender markets with all of these beautiful Guatemalan goods. You could haggle all day long- I was in heaven.

Simple are the ways...

Simple is affairs that touch the heart.
Simple are the ways of love.
Simple as the touch of another's hands…
Simple as the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.
Simple are the way we say good-bye…. (Nine, the Musical)

And just like that, my time in El Salvador came to an end. Three months after they all made their way into my heart, I said good-bye to my ninos at Hogar this past Friday. We sat together (all 53 of us) and watched a movie (Home Alone 2- at the request of the kids, although I certainly couldn’t complain. We sat there on the floor, laughing hysterically as Kevin outsmarts the bad guys. Finally Deborah and I bought pizza for all of the kids as a special treat for dinner. They were so grateful. And just like that, we hugged good-bye. It hasn’t hit me yet that I’ve said goodbye. I’ve been told that Carlos has asked for me. Before I left I asked him if one day he wanted to visit NY like Kevin in the movie does. He said he couldn’t. When I asked why not, he replied “because I’m not allowed to leave this place”- well that just about broke my heart. Although Carlos does not know (and probably never will) I asked the head nun for his information and his brothers. She told me they are so poor and can use any help. Hopefully I can send some clothes when I get back to the U.S.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent…
What I will always remember is that leaving that night a few of the kids followed me to the gate and told me when I missed them to look up at the stars from New York, because they would look up at the stars here, and “we all have the same sky”. It was so simple and so beautiful.
I know I will return to the orphanage again- when I can’t say- but I found a part of me there, a love that I never knew existed in me, a part of my heart that just figuratively exploded there. Simply…I became a better person because of these children and will forever be so grateful to them for that.

P.S.- not to overshadow my immense love for the kids but I’m SOOO excited about the movie “Nine” opening Christmas Day in the US (amazing musical and Penelope Cruz is in it!)