Meant to be...

Three and a half months, five countries (so excited about all my passport stamps) and dozens of hours of bus rides later, its time for the final blog. (And you thought I got sentimental in the other ones)
Since this is my last opportunity to write, I obviously wanted to reflect on what this journey has meant to me, what I’ve realized and who I’ve come to be. It goes without saying that the children I worked with by far had the greatest impact on my life, I will never forget any of them and hope that they will in some way, shape or form continue to be a part of my life. I’m also grateful for all the people that I’ve met on this adventure, other volunteers dedicating their time, other travelers, some running towards something, others running away from something, and new friends from all over the world (now with a certain fondness for Canadians I meet in the jungle  ).
At the beginning of this experience I remember being quite frustrated, wondering if I had made the right decision to embark on this trip, to give up a job I loved and to come to Central America. Now with certainty, I know I needed to do this, I understand so much more of the reason why.
First and foremost, my relationship with my sister changed dramatically throughout the course of this trip. I think we both would agree that we’ve learned a lot about the other person, and moreover we’ve learned how to work together instead of against one another. I think it took a while but we both found our voice in this relationship and I hope that Deborah realizes how much I do view her as an equal, especially now.
Secondly, my faith in God has been deepened through this experience. I found myself drawn to visiting the chapel to pray daily and feel that I made God more a part of my regular life. My weekend spiritual retreat with the kids also really left me feeling my own faith strengthened.
Next, I learned to stand up for myself in a way I’ve always wanted to, but never figured out how. Without fear I spoke up and out, at first perhaps too much, but later learned to tame this tiger inside of me and have developed what I hope is a permanent ability to voice my opinion, to go after what I want, to not worry about seeming not like “the nice girl”. I learned to fight for me and it was beautifully liberating.
Anxiety and I have always had a funny relationship, one that hindered my life in so many ways. This trip was a dive headfirst in the pool of anxiety-provoking situations for me, and I learned to swim. Now I’m not by any means saying I still don’t have a long way to go, but most importantly I learned how not to let the fear of the fear inhibit me. Tikal was so amazing because it was the chance to realize all that I had been missing by letting anxiety rule. And perhaps even more important, I learned how to settle myself when I start feeling those feelings- a skill I desperately needed and will hold onto forever.
Finally, I don’t know if I can properly articulate this but I came to realize a lot about my own worth as a person and the worth of my love to others. I have so much to give and there are so many people who are open to receiving that love or whatever it maybe. However, I think I really came to feel that I am just as worthy of that love in return (something perhaps I preached, but did not truly believe). I know how much I value others in my life, but for the first time on this trip, I let myself realize, I can be and want to be valued by someone else too. The children at the orphanage taught me this lesson in the most beautiful ways. Perhaps this all sounds egotistical, perhaps I’m failing at explaining this well, but in my heart I know the message and now know how much I want to be (and look forward to being) a mother one day.

There is a lyric from the musical Wicked that says “Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better, but I know that I’ve been changed for good”. As I leave Central America after this adventure I know I have been changed. I do not return a completely different person, I do not return completely over all my fears, I do not return transformed…that wouldn’t be realistic. I do return certain of many things that I want in my life, stronger and more able to go after them. I return with my heart filled with a love that I didn’t know I could feel and the happiness that goes with that. And finally with the knowledge that I was meant to be here at this time in my life…and wherever life should lead me next.

You Better Belize it...

(No I didn’t make that up, its actually the tourism slogan for the country). So we’ve spent the last few days here on Caye Caulker in Belize. It’s a tiny island in the Caribbean just off the mainland coast of Belize. After another long bus ride from Tikal we made it to Belize city (a really sketchy place if you ask me) and immediately got on the ferry to the island. The hour ride was fairly okay, although when we hit a rough wave the door to the boat almost flew off (taking the porter with it) but we all made it there in one piece.
Caye Caulker is probably one of the strangest places I’ve ever been. Its one strip of land with hotels and restaurants on one side of the street and the beach on the other. The crystal blue water is breathtaking. The culture here seems to be of odd ex-pats, hippies and Rastafarians. It’s relatively under developed here and most people walk around barefoot. They say when in Rome…Deborah and I have joked about how we’ve given up on looking decent anymore. Incidentally our budget hotel room doesn’t even have a mirror. We’ve met some interesting folks here over the last few days, from life-long caye dwellers to fellow travelers escaping the cold of the north. Unfortunately it’s been raining (like hurricane quality rain) the last few days so we’ve been spending a bit of time in our hotel room. I did get some snorkeling in the first two days which was awesome. Great fish but with the weather we weren’t able to go out to any of the reefs because the trips were cancelled. Instead Deb and I got incredible massages! I don’t know that I could spend more than three days here but I’m glad that we made the trip.
We’ll be leaving on (get this) a propeller plane- yes if nothing else indicates how far I’ve grown on this trip, I actually opted to get on a another plane. It’s a short flight directly to the international airport from here which saved us the trouble of having to go back to Belize City, stay overnight there and then take an expensive cab to the airport. It should be an adventure. For now we’re going to go enjoy a final pina colada and watch the rain from an oceanside deck. See you all very very soon.

Reaching the Pyramids

Before I left in September, I spoke often about my excitement of going to Tikal. While doing researching for this trip I read about these “pyramids” that existed in Guatemala and from that moment I knew it would be a symbolic way to end my journey abroad. And here I am…I reached the Pyramids.

Tikal is absolutely spectacular. You are walking in the midst of dense jungle and suddenly, these immense structures rise out of the trees to greet you. They are incredible and more so impossible to believe that many were built around 100 B.C. It gets better…you can climb them. As Deborah put it yesterday, Tikal is like a big playground for adults. We spent the afternoon (after a 10 hour night bus ride across the entire country to get here!) scaling these structures. We then watched the sunset from atop the highest pyramid. Even though we were exhausted from our traveling we met some Canandians atop the pyramid who were staying at our hotel. The whole conversation started when Deborah apologized to me for making her buy a “stupid headflashlight” because all the Canandians had one and lead us out of the jungle. Turns out they were staying at our hotel and we all had a wonderful dinner and margaritas well into the night. Cora, Trevor and Craig are all scientists from Toronto, but two are moving the US soon for post-doc research. They are hilarious and we closed down the hotel restaurant.
Anyway…on to the most important part.
I had read the you could try to get into the park before hours to see the sunrise. Yesterday, I found a guide and haggled a little with him. He agreed to meet us at 4am at the entrance, but we were not allowed to tell a soul. And this morning we trekked through the jungle to Temple V in complete darkness. It was terrifying and exciting all at one. The structure (the second tallest but steepest) has the most harrowing wooden staircase I’ve ever encountered. And we had to climb it in the dark. Upon reaching the top finally, (still in the dark) we sat on a board and waited in complete darkness for the sunrise. They say “the darkest hour is just before dawn”, this morning certainly proved that cliché to be correct. As we sat there, cold and completely alone (the guide left once we reached the top) I realized what an amazing metaphor this was for life. You sit in the darkness and think that dawn will never come, but the sun does always rise. And this morning it was breathtaking. Watching that golden ball rise over the jungle and illuminate the Mayan structures was a once in a life-time event. We were completely alone in the jungle (just us the crazy howling monkeys).
I sat there and I thought about the symbolism of this event in my life. A year ago I know I would have let anxiety and fear inhibit me from doing so many things. Even that staircase or sitting in the dark, I know the old me would have felt so terrified that I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy anything. I realized how much in my life I’ve missed out on or ruined because I didn’t control that scared little voice inside. And on this trip I’ve learned to tame it and now look at me, I’ve climbed the pyramids. This morning was magical. I’m so glad I was able to share it with my sister, the two of us all alone in Tikal Park is a memory I will always hold dear.
This has been an incredible life journey for me in so many ways, but this morning, reaching the pyramids, seeing the sunrise on a new day, it seemed that much more special, poignant and complete.

From the middle East, Thailand and Mexico…we found it all in Guatemala.

The morning after our pizza fiesta at the orphanage, we boarded another bus at 5am for another 6 hour bus ride to Guatemala. After another hour cab ride, we arrived in our own little paradise. Thanks for mom, dad and the timeshare they purchased twenty years ago, we got to stay in a resort in Antigua for the week. This place was incredible. The most fabulous hot shower, the beds that were soooo comfortable and we had a fireplace in our room. Two gorgeous pools and a fitness center that included a eucalyptus steam room (a luxury we took advantage of daily to clear our clogged pores). And they had a spa there. Deborah and I treated ourselves to a mud wrap/massage. I don’t even have words it was so fabulous. I felt truly clean for the first time since I’d left home in September. God bless Marisol my masseuse. Anyway…besides our luxury hotel Antigua Guatemala is fabulous! It’s still stuck in the colonial period with its cobblestone streets and facades bus is home to some of the best restaurants we have experienced. We happily sampled Middle-eastern, Thai, and Mexican and of course traditional Guatemalan fare.
Antigua is nestled between a series of active volcanoes that provide an amazing backdrop. We had the opportunity to climb up to “Cerro de la Cruz” which is a look-out point over the whole city.
While in Antigua I spend the afternoons taking Spanish classes at an adorable little Spanish school. My teacher Gladys was awesome and we were able to give a whole bunch of our un-needed clothes to her daughters. Most importantly she really helped me with my verbs.
Antigua was so safe and so relaxing- the perfect way to end our time here in Central America…and now the best part…the markets! There are these huge and incredible vender markets with all of these beautiful Guatemalan goods. You could haggle all day long- I was in heaven.

Simple are the ways...

Simple is affairs that touch the heart.
Simple are the ways of love.
Simple as the touch of another's hands…
Simple as the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.
Simple are the way we say good-bye…. (Nine, the Musical)

And just like that, my time in El Salvador came to an end. Three months after they all made their way into my heart, I said good-bye to my ninos at Hogar this past Friday. We sat together (all 53 of us) and watched a movie (Home Alone 2- at the request of the kids, although I certainly couldn’t complain. We sat there on the floor, laughing hysterically as Kevin outsmarts the bad guys. Finally Deborah and I bought pizza for all of the kids as a special treat for dinner. They were so grateful. And just like that, we hugged good-bye. It hasn’t hit me yet that I’ve said goodbye. I’ve been told that Carlos has asked for me. Before I left I asked him if one day he wanted to visit NY like Kevin in the movie does. He said he couldn’t. When I asked why not, he replied “because I’m not allowed to leave this place”- well that just about broke my heart. Although Carlos does not know (and probably never will) I asked the head nun for his information and his brothers. She told me they are so poor and can use any help. Hopefully I can send some clothes when I get back to the U.S.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent…
What I will always remember is that leaving that night a few of the kids followed me to the gate and told me when I missed them to look up at the stars from New York, because they would look up at the stars here, and “we all have the same sky”. It was so simple and so beautiful.
I know I will return to the orphanage again- when I can’t say- but I found a part of me there, a love that I never knew existed in me, a part of my heart that just figuratively exploded there. Simply…I became a better person because of these children and will forever be so grateful to them for that.

P.S.- not to overshadow my immense love for the kids but I’m SOOO excited about the movie “Nine” opening Christmas Day in the US (amazing musical and Penelope Cruz is in it!)

What Women Want

As my time here winds down I realized I have written very little about my other project which is teaching English at "Casa Mujer Teclina" or the City Office for Women. This project rose out of my own curiosity as the director of Casa Mujer was at our host family's house for a dinner party in mid-October. She and I got to talking about ways to empower women and she mentioned wanting to offer English classes...so of course I volunteered. Each morning I have a group of faithful students- women who are local community members, many of them disadvantaged looking to become more financially independent or able to find jobs in the workforce. We all believe that the stronger skill set you have and if you are able to support yourself you never will be dependent on a man and therefore less likely to end up in an abusive relationship. Other programs at Casa Mujer include counseling services for domestic violence, trainings for other groups about violence against women and a newly formed coalition of women dedicated to ending violence against women in their community. My sister joked about how it’s amazing I've come all this way but end up working in exactly the same subject area.
So my class is adorable. They are such enthusiastic students. We vary in size but tend to be around 10-12. This week we are working on vocabulary for visiting the US-as they all vow to come to New York City now.
This past week was also dedicated to raising awareness of violence against women. I was lucky to participate in some of the events. Monday we had a public movie viewing of a Mexican film entitled "Cicatrices" or "Scars" - very powerful, however of course I disagreed with the ending because the man changes. There was so much I wanted to say in the after-movie discussion but simply didn't have the vocabulary. Thursday there was training for male police officers. I stopped in to see what they were doing. To my excitement they were working on defining "what is a man" (see pictures) talking about the stereotypes and pressures of Latin men! Amazing project. Finally on Friday there was a huge fair in the park- information, education and induction. All of the government agencies attended with information about abuse for the public, there was a really intense play about sexual abuse in the schools (once again Deborah and I always end up watching interpretive theatrical pieces it was a bit confusing but we got the overall idea) and then many of the women I work with were inducted into a new network of women dedicated to "protecting the community against violence against women"- They all pledged to never close their eyes to the violence, and got really nice t-shirts (I got one too!).

All of these activities, my class, the projects, trainings and events have been truly inspiring and I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to share in this work. Its clear, women want justice, women want to be heard, to be self-sufficient, to be leaders, to be respected and while we still have a long way to go in many respects, I think we are beginning to get exactly what we want.

p.s. If I return here my project is definitely going to be a national campaign to end "hissing at women in the streets". Even on days I look like an absolute disaster (which is often) I still hear "ssss...chica" or "venga bebe". Ewh- stop staring and go learn English why don't you...at least if you're gonna catcall me, let it be in my own language.

Nadie Te Ama Como Yo...

(No one loves you like I)...Before I left, everyone joked about how I was going to come to El Salvador and fall in love with some Latin man...I scoffed and said it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. And then it happened.
His name is Carlos Alexander and he's eight years old. In all seriousness, as I write about the experience I had this weekend, I realize this blog might be more of a personal journey entry, but it’s how I'm feeling right now.
This past weekend I was invited by Walter (who is a volunteer from Hogar para Ninos and friend) to help facilitate in a 3 day spiritual retreat (or equipo as its called) for the teenagers. For three full days I lived at the orphanage. We all slept in the same building, ate together and prayed together. I cannot put into words how powerful this experience was for me. Walter organized this entire event and had some of his fellow church group friends facilitate most of the weekend. We talked openly about spirituality, sexuality, relationships, friendships and ambitions for life. We prayed traditionally, we sang prayers, we prayed in silence. For my TUS alums, it was similar to our peer ministry/senior retreats. Some highlights included a bonfire that we created and burned papers that held our sins, a blindfolded walk over stones to represent having to go through tough times before finding peace and the celebration of mass together where we all received blessed crosses. In our down time, we sat around talking, playing, bonding. Incidentally, Walter and I happened to show up on Friday morning dressed identically, completely unplanned so the kids had a field day with that calling us "Mickey and Minnie" for the entire weekend.

Saturday night at the retreat the theme was "family". We all sat in a circle on the floor, in darkness with the exception of one lit candle in the center. A facilitator told her story of her broken childhood. She then played one of the most heart-wrenching and beautiful songs I've ever heard about losing loved ones. And their eyes began to flow tears like I've never seen before. I sat there in the darkness simply holding these children. In one arm a 14 year old who I've always known as "Mr. Cool, calm and collected" sobbed and in the other arm, a 12 year old who was forced away from abusive parents as a kid held onto me crying into my sweater. All I could think was "I wish I had arms large enough to just hold all of them". We then listened to another song entitled" Nadie te ama como Yo" about how God's love for us is so beyond our understanding. And I found clarity.

I sat there holding, hugging, comforting and found a peace that I've never felt before in my life. I felt this peace that I am in the right place that this is what I can do. This is my gift. I've always felt that I have so much love inside of me to give, but no place for it go and now here I am in this place where it is so needed. Perhaps I sound egotistical. Their stories are all so sad, and while they are so well taken care of in physical sense at the Hogar, they are not nurtured emotionally.

After the kids went to sleep (at 1am) Walter and I sat up talking until 3 in the morning about that night. I talked about how powerful it had been and how strongly I loved these kids. He gave me what might be the most incredible compliment I've ever received from anyone in my life. I was talking about how hard it is for me because I can't communicate with words what I want to say so often. And he said "You don't need to, you speak with your heart, we all understand perfectly". He then shared with me a poem he wrote for me about the simpleness of my hands that he sees at work there. It was so moving. We both were sitting there crying like fools, exhausted, unable to express exactly what we wanted to say because of the language barrier and at the same time completely able to understand each other's feelings about our experiences with the kids. We made a promise that if I didn't find whatever it was I looking for in the US, I would come back. As long as I live the images from that night will be in my mind, but moreover the feeling of so blessed that God gave me the gifts, this heart and these opportunities, is something I will do everything in my power to hold onto.

While he was not on the retreat, Carlos and I did have the opportunity to spend time together this weekend. In a moment while we were playing he accidentally called me "mom". My heart broke and at the same time, was so filled with this unconditional love.

I realize this all sounds rather corny or perhaps egotistical. Perhaps it is, but I can't put into words how happy and filled I feel- it is in moments like sitting around with my girls talking about if I wear a thong in the United States, or when Bryan and I, at 7 am on a Sunday were playing ping-pong, or when Carlos runs to hold my hand (so we could go to communion together). They have all become so special to me, I've gotten to know them and they have gotten to know me. I don't know how I'm going to leave.

Hogar translates from the spanish to "home". Home is a place of comfort, happiness and peace. My heart has found home.

Link to some amazing photos:http://picasaweb.google.com/VictoriaLHertlein/EquipoHogarParaNinos#